Grief. Chapter Five. Christmas.

Driving home in the rain tonight, it felt like things were exactly how they should be. I like driving in the rain at night. I like the way the water reflects the lights from the traffic like a kaleidoscope. I think it’s beautiful. There’s a cosiness to this rain. It’s not like some of the violent storms that have passed by lately. Tonight’s weather mirrors my mood. It’s a fortnight until Christmas and I can’t help but reflect on the year that has been and what is to come.

This will be the first Christmas without Mum. The first time there’ll be no handmade present under the tree from her. There’ll be no phone calls or photos shared. I miss her but I’m not sad. I’m grateful for the Christmas we had last year. I’ve still got the wall hanging she embroidered her Christmas pudding recipe on. I’ve tried for several years to make that recipe like she did. I’m yet to nail it, I’m not sure if I ever will. But at least I will always have the recipe to try again if I want to.

My Christmas decorations are sitting in a single reusable shopping bag on the kitchen table. Normally by the first of December my house looks like an elf vomited on it. At the beginning of this year I gave away all my decorations and my fake Christmas tree. My ex brought me that tree and I got the decorations for the house we lived in together. They were happy memories, but not ones that I want to hang onto. I haven’t found the energy to put up the small collection of decorations I’ve got left. I don’t know if I want to put them up.

Last Christmas was a good one. I’m glad I made the effort to travel up North for it. I knew it was possibly our last together. There was hope she’d make it another year. But that wouldn’t have been enough. I’d always be greedy for just one more Christmas. I guess that’s all any of us really want. Just one more moment of happiness.